Happy Early Birthday Dad...I Miss You

Tonight's post is a bit different...last June, my Dad unexpectedly, but sort of expectedly, passed away. His birthday would have been next Wednesday, April 30th, and so as that's coming up, it's been on my heart to write...we called him "Bio" Dad to differentiate from our step-Dad, who is my Daddy...he was there from the age of 7 on when he and Mom met and was there when my bio-Dad wasn't. There were a lot of hard years with Dad, but I'm thankful we were able to restore our relationship as an adult. The first time I really remember him supporting me was before our wedding...I quit nursing school so that I could work 25 hours to get health insurance so Jord and I could get married, and although I had been praying and thinking about it for over a year, I hadn't talked to family about it, so everyone was shocked....after all, I had a full ride scholarship and had always loved school. Dad took me out to Denny's for breakfast and asked why I was quitting. When I explained that Jord and I really wanted to get married, but we needed health insurance and I didn't have the energy to work 25 hours a week and go to nursing school full time, plus, God was showing me that staying home with a family was the path He was calling me to, he said as long as the decision was mine, he would support me. That was really the start of the good years for me and Dad.....as I was praying this afternoon, I just felt burdened to write so I did it in the form of a letter to him. It wasn't all good, and the last couple of years of his life were incredibly difficult for all of us as his alcoholism quite literally consumed him. It's devastating and it's not something that I share lightly...everyone processes grief and things differently and I pray that sharing the hard part of my story, along with the sweet and precious memories I will forever treasure of me and my Dad, along with some of my favorite pictures of me and him, will maybe help someone that needs a reason to turn from alcoholism...or those that are loving someone that is struggling. Ultimately, the only hope is Jesus--we can't change anyone else, but we can pray to the One who transforms hearts and lives and I pray that my Dad found the light in the midst of the darkness of his last days. I am thankful I do not know hearts, but I can wholeheartedly trust the One who does, and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that HE is trustworthy and where my hope lies! Without further ado...a letter to my Dad...............Dad.....Your birthday would be next Wednesday, the 30th…I’ve been reflecting a lot about your death and the grief…I miss you. I know the last couple of years were really hard for you and it makes me really sad to know you died alone….I wish I could have been there for you, but I have to trust that wasn’t God’s plan........................The things I miss….your laugh, your stories, “hey kiddo, this is your Dad…” looking at old pictures together and talking horses. I will never ever forget an afternoon in 2017…you came over and we were watching “Another Wednesday Night Prayer Meeting” where country artists talked about life and then sang hymns. You got it for me as a gift for either my birthday or Christmas, I can’t remember which. I forget who it was, but they were sharing their story of struggling with alcohol and I’ll never forget the tears rolling down your face…and then they sang “Were you there, when they crucified my Lord?” And we two-stepped to it in my living room. These moments give me so much hope Daddy. I’ll also never forget seeing your answer to a Facebook question a couple years ago…it was something like, “What would you tell your younger self?” And you responded with, “Don’t start drinking.” I know it was such a hard battle for you Daddy…one that you eventually lost, but that’s where God comes in—before time began He numbered your days and I have to rest in the fact of Genesis 18:25 “Will not the Judge of all the earth do right?”...........................The questions still come that I wrestle with….what about this? Could I have said this? If only….but as a wise friend often reminds me, “If onlys are Satan’s playground.” We can’t change the past, all we can do is “press on towards the prize” as Paul exhorts us to in Philippians 3. Jesus knows. Jesus wept. Jesus cares…He’s King of Kings and Lord of Lords and He is trustworthy. My pain and my questions…my sobs and my hurt…hearing Jus and Jen sob their pain and their hurt…wishing I could fix it as big sister…but I can’t…all I can do is point them to the One who I cling to in my own hurt and grief….Jesus, my precious Savior…the One who suffered God’s wrath on the cross for my sins and theirs…then three days later rose victorious over the grave—conquering death once and for all…there is pain and suffering and sorrow and loss and grief now, but there IS a Day coming when Jesus will come back as the Lion of the tribe of Judah and those hid in Him will be forever free from not just the penalty of our sin but the very presence! No more tears! No more pain! No more sorrow! O Daddy, I pray you trusted Christ! That you are with Him for all eternity and I will meet you on that golden shore when I get to shed this sin cursed pain wracked body once and for all—and when I breathe my last moment here, I will take my first full breath in the presence of my mighty Savior and O what a Glorious moment that will be! That is my hope and where my treasure lies…in the meantime I miss you..........................I feel the sting of death. The curse of sin. The pain of alcoholism and how it ravages a person and their family. I hear your voice calling me, so proud, “I haven’t had a drink for a week!” We’d talk and then I wouldn’t hear from you for awhile…but I knew…the temptation was too strong, the sin too enticing, the bottle too available for the weak flesh. I prayed everyday for you Daddy as I texted you verses. You would respond, “Amen”. Every now and then you’d ask a question or say you didn’t agree and we’d text a little more. How I’d pray God would sink those verses deep in your heart and help you. I came to visit and prayed you’d be sober so I could talk to you when I gave you a card and a booklet that I hoped would help…but you weren’t. But I still got to see you and hug you and give you the card and the book. It broke my heart to see you like that at 10 in the morning…reading one of your books by yourself. The booklet was called, “Help! I Want to Change” because I knew deep down you wanted to change….I pray you read it, but I’ll never know this side of heaven…and that’s ok.................Then the hard part…the last time I saw you alive on this earth…you drove out to see me at Mom’s….I excitedly gave you a great big hug and I smelled it….you were drunk. My heart sank. You had wanted to drive me to see your new place, but I had just gotten in and didn’t have the energy so we talked about doing it another time. We went inside and you gave me a present—a super soft blanket that is a letter: “To my daughter: Whenever you feel overwhelmed, remember whose daughter you are and straighten your crown. Always remember you are braver than you think, stronger than you seem, and loved more than you know. I will always be there to love you and you will always be my baby girl. Wrap yourself in this blanket and consider it a hug. Love, Dad”. I will always treasure it as the last thing you gave me on this earth. I also just remembered from the good years before we moved, when I was hospitalized or having surgery, you’d tell me “Hang tough kiddo.” Just like you told me to tell everyone “I’m tough” when I fell off Goldy when I was little and you said I came home and said, “I’m tough, I’m tough! And Then started crying, “Goldy bucked me off!” I can hear you telling that story and laughing right now…oh I miss you Dad. I’m so thankful for the good memories…I remember writing to you when I was in psychosis in 2013 telling you I know you were in there underneath the alcohol and that I needed you. And for a few years, God answered that unspoken prayer…you were there and we made some wonderful memories, which I treasure in the midst of the hard and painful ones.................I didn’t know what to do because I knew I couldn’t let you leave Mom’s property driving drunk—I would never forgive myself if you hit someone. So there were texts and phone calls trying to figure out what to do…God answered my prayers and Uncle Mike and Aunt Netta and Mom came in just as you were about to walk out on me when I asked for your keys after you admitted you’d been drinking. Uncle Mike drove me and you back to your trailer and I tried to help you get out and you kinda pushed me out of the way saying you didn’t need help and brushed me off. I watched you stumble into the trailer and that is the last time I ever saw you alive. Somehow I knew too. I told Jus and Jen I felt like it was going to be the last time because you didn’t look good and you had been hospitalized for pancreatitis. A day or two later, I could have ridden with Jenny to the mailboxes for her to give you something, but I didn’t. Oh I wish I had—so I could hug you one more time. But you weren’t in a good place and I made the best decision I thought at the time. Live and learn..............We still had some ok phone conversations—you couldn’t really hear me on the phone so you’d call and tell me what was going on but I could tell you couldn’t really understand what I was telling you back. But I still texted you verses everyday. And like clockwork, I’d get your reply, “Amen.” A couple weeks before you died, I texted verses that talked about fearing God and you texted that you didn’t think we had to fear God. I explained how we do need to fear God—Proverbs says it is the beginning of wisdom to fear the Lord and there are SO many places that talk about it. I talked about it being a reverential awe and not just a fear of punishment like some think of fear and you disagreed. I found a few verses and asked what you thought of them and you didn’t respond. The next day you said, “Amen.” Until Jenny called in tears….”Dad’s gone!” Then I realized you hadn’t texted “Amen” in a couple of days…and we knew why. Oh the grief that washed over me….I got a ticket and was out in Tucson in two days. It was a hard trip. My lungs had declined from the Swine Flu earlier that year and I could feel it in the airport, getting short of breath walking with my bags. All the emotions…my flight out was delayed so I was going to miss my connection and I started panicking inside and turned around and saw someone at a counter behind me and tearfully told her what was going on and she got me on another flight in Dallas so I didn’t miss my connection. She was only there for a couple of minutes—God answers prayers and protects so much! I got to share Christ with a young girl who had just joined the military sitting waiting for my new connection that I wouldn’t have gotten to talk to if I hadn’t changed my flight. A grace note from above.................Mom and the kiddos picked me up from the airport and we got home just before Jenny arrived with a precious box…..one full of envelopes filled with organized photos and letters and all sorts of things. It was good and hard to see all the memories and learn new things and see letters from when I was little that you kept and one of my elementary report cards. The next day we went to the mortuary and that was hard. I broke down. But thankfully you had thought ahead and had paid for cremation—we had some first responder humor to help get us through. We went back and forth on services and settled on doing a small family thing to spread some of your ashes before I had to go home and then you got one last bull ride which was amazing….and God reminded everyone of His great promise with the most beautiful rainbow—the pictures and video of it were gorgeous!......Before that, at our private family memorial, I read Psalm 23—anytime I would text those verses, you would always tell me those were your favorite. Then I played a song I was listening to over and over…Be Still My Soul…and then we spread your ashes around the mesquite tree with Bouie, Crash, Superman, and Chloe…it was windy and so you got on our sunglasses and in our eyes lol. And then it was back home for me and sorting through the shock and the grief from far away….I miss your texts and your calls. I’m thankful I still have two voicemails from you from a couple years ago…one a birthday call that I’m so glad I missed now because I can listen to it…and I do and it’s a treasure. I love you Daddy and I’ll hang tough until God calls me home...Happy birthday, Love Shel

Quick Surgery/Health Update

Hello! I know it's been a bit since I posted....life has continued to be absolutely crazy over here, but it is what God has ordained and therefore it is good and He will carry us through it all! I just wanted to get on real quick and give you all an update on potential surgery info. I went to UAB and saw my sinus ENT today--they scoped and suctioned me out real good as my sinuses have (for obvious reasons) continued to be bad. They even pulled out the good ole "inside cheek above your teeth scraper" attatchment that is SO painful...but he got a ton of stuff out. A friend from church, Hannah P, drove me today, and she said, afterwards, "You should have seen my face when he pulled that stuff out!" Guess it puts what is "normal" for me into perspective lol....long story short, I thought my sinus surgery was just going to be a simple clean out, but he showed me my CT scan and he is going to be removing some bone and potentiallly drilling out some other things....so it's gonna be a much bigger bummer than I anticipated and I already despise sinus surgeries-----the two I have to have are my absolute least favorite, most difficult immediate recoveries of all my 40 plus surgeries....it's not the pain but the constant throwing up for the first 24 hours after......and there will be more bleeding from my sinuses which contributes to the throwing up cause it goes down the back of your throat so yeah, not great news there.............Then I went to the new OB and the Nurse Practicioner came in and they didn't really know what to expect cause the referral was from my PCP just to get me worked in. With all that's been going on the last couple of weeks here, I didn't think about getting my records from my hysterectomy and my recent ultrasound for them. We chatted and I brought them up to date as far as my understanding and it turns out there is an additional issue that was found. I'm thankful it was figured out and there may be a treatment for it but I'm not sure I can do it with my medication issues so we'll see about that one. As far as the endometriosis, they were a little confused since you can't see adhesions on an ultrasound (which I knew) so they were wondering how they could tell it was back but I think it was a combination of my surgical history and the increasing pain and something with my ovary they could see on the ultrasound. I really liked the doc and the nurse practicioner--I didn't know which doctor it was going to be because they worked me in, but it was one that I wanted after looking on the website at the doctors, so I'm very thankful to God for that. I signed the records release so they are waiting on those--my ENT said he was willing to come in on an off day to coordinate the operating room stuff and both parties are willing to do what's best for me to support my lungs through the surgery......The ENT did take another culture while they were cleaning things out so we'll have an update of what exactly is going on in the sinuses. It was a long day after being up late for Bible study so I'm gonna sign off for now, but wanted to at least let you all know kind of where we are at in the process...still kind of waiting for things to come together. We have 17 days until our vacation to the Smoky Mountains and Dollywood and I'm SUPER excited about that...it will be a much needed rest time and making some great memories. Hannah and I had a sweet time today together--she will be going to help our missionaries in Chad, Africa in June so it was special to have some time with her--soaking it all up before she goes for a year! We will miss her, but we are excited to see how God is going to use her! Here's a couple pics from our day :) The pictures in the office were so pretty and then we ate at Firehouse Subs and decided to be silly to send pics to our brothers...her brother is finishing up fire academy and my brother is a firefighter. :)

Another Unexpected Wave in the Midst of the Storm

Today we got hard news about Blue...if you know us at all, you know how much animals mean to us and specifically Blue--she was gifted to me when I was hospitalized and missed being with Grandma when she passed and has helped us through some very dark times...Crash and Roxy were each special in their own way, just as Blue is. She was diagnosed with hip dysplasia when she was 1 and there are times when she will have a hard time getting up after a long day of playing ball or extra activity or when it's really cold out. Our vet goes to our church and is about to have a baby, so I took her in a couple months early for her annual exam and since she's 7 now, asked about doing x-rays to see where we were at with her hips and it was definitely providential that God had me get in early--Amy came back into the room and said, "Those are some rough looking hips......" Definitely not the words I wanted to hear today--Blue has been hurting but not showing it or telling us. There are options to help her but it's just one more hard thing on top of all the other hard things going on right now. Here is an image of normal hips...

If you look, you can see how the socket is in the joint and then has a narrowing that they call the neck. Here are Blue's x-rays:

She has no neck at all--it's all just swollen and got arthritis all around it...she has to be hurting so much and you would never know---the hardest part is we have to try to get her to not jump up and catch her ball and that's her favorite way to play ball. We are going to start with a stronger joint supplement and also daily carprofen which is like doggy ibuprofen. Walks are great and swimming is actually really good--I jokingly said, "Swimming is good for my lungs, so we'll just have to find a place to swim together." and she said one of the vets has a place here in town that she takes her dog to and swims because her dog has bad back issues. There's also YouTube videos that I can look up to get PT ideas for hip dysplasia. Definitely shed some tears today...they sedated her to do the x-rays and she has been out of it this afternoon/evening. I was supposed to go to Bible study tonight but Jord was feeling off (probably the prednisone for his stuff) and since I can't drive at night because of the TN, plus I was exhausted after the longer than anticipated vet visit, and we didn't want to leave Blue alone being out of it from the sedation. Even when I get up to go anywhere, she has to follow me tonight, even if Jord is there, so we made the right choice. In all honesty, I will probably be in bed at 8 lol. This morning started rough--I woke up to go pee around 6 and tried to lay back down but started coughing so much I ended up throwing up and just had a rougher morning this morning. I originally planned on taking a nap, but the vet took a lot longer so it will definitely be an early to bedtime for me tonight--plus the crying on top of it all just takes it out of you too.............Anyway, please join us in praying for wisdom with treatment and that the reasonable things we can do to alleviate her pain work--we won't make her suffer just to stay here longer--I don't even want to think about going down that road but that is the hard reality with dogs--their lives are so much shorter than we would wish! We also need to figure something out for the stairs--they obviously aren't good for her so we had already thought about doing a chair lift for me if I needed it and it turns out they make doggy chair lifts so we are looking into that as well. Lots to consider and pray through.......also as an update on the status of my surgeries--I made a couple phone calls yesterday and got an urgent referral to an OB at UAB and they called this morning and when I asked for first available appointments yesterday it was in July--today they got me in on April 24th, the same day I see my ENT about the sinus surgery at UAB so I should know next steps after those appointments. I'm gonna sign off for now and do treatments and crawl into bed. Thankful that God is reigning on His throne, that this didn't surprise Him--He knows exactly the number of Blue's days, just as He knows the number of our days, and His will is perfect and He will continue to carry us through the valleys and the hills...so thankful for my mighty Savior! Here are a few more pictures from today--Theresa is a friend from church and Amy is her daughter-in-law so last minute I asked Theresa if she wanted to go to the grocery store with me this morning and she ended up hanging out with me most of the day and we surprised Amy with her--I was thankful to not be alone on the drive home after getting the hard news--God always knows exactly what you need! Thankful!

Finally an Answer and a Sweet Weekend Together

Long story short, Jord ended up back at the doc and our PCP called a dermatologist while we were in the room with him (I wanted to say, "Regis, I'd like to phone a friend LOL") and he worked us in and turns out it's an allergic reaction to the antibiotic shot he got a month ago with the stomach stuff at the ER. It's technically called "Symmetrical drug-related intertriginous and flexural exanthema" or SDRIFE. Prednisone is what will help, which is what our PCP gave him last week, but because he's a big guy, he needed a larger dose, so he started that today and will see the dermatolgist in a week--thank you Dr. Evans! He walked in and was like, "I'm pretty sure I know what's going on, but let me look...yep, yep, exactly what I'd expect." Talk about words you want to hear after two weeks of itching misery and nothing helping! So thankful! Would you pray with us that this new dose of steroids would help quickly?........This Saturday, in spite of him still being pretty miserably itchy, was the first Saturday since we listed our house for sale in November that we didn't *have* to do anything if we didn't want to. We got up and I made pancakes for everyone since Mom is down with allergies right now too--we were laughing last night cause I'm supposed to be the sicky and Jord and Mom are supposed to be the caregivers, but the antibiotics did their job and I actually feel pretty good for me lung and sinus wise right now and they both feel crappy. I'm so thankful I've been able to help them for a change! After pancakes, Jord and I went and got a refrigerator for our pantry area and then went to Cabella's and wandered around and got a few things. That store just makes me happy! Jord was wearing a shirt from a Youtuber we watch, The Fat Electrician (who has awesome military history, but he does swear occasionally) and I had on a shirt from another one, Kentucky Ballistics (who is my favorite gun channel and is very clean with no swearing and he's hilarious too) but a store manager walked by Jord, saw his shirt, and said, "Quack, Bang, I'm out" which is how The Fat Electrician ends every episode--it's neat how there's instant camradrie with certain things and in certain places so that was fun. Then we got some food, came home and organized and unpacked some things. Jord got the garage all organized so we can finally park our car in the garage which is always nice. Now we are focused on our main living area which is coming together slowly but surely. It's almost time we can start hanging some things up on the walls which is my favorite part. :) It will be nice to have decorated walls instead of plain white ones like we had to have for selling the house since we painted it to sell so I'm ready for some color in my living space again!.....The weather has been a bit eventful like it typically is in April in Alabama--had some tornadoes in the NW corner of the state the other night and lots of rain here, which is helping tap the pollen down a bit. It's really bad here--you could literally can see the layer of pollen on everything outside before it rained lol. However, everything is in bloom and turning green and it's gorgeous! I love springtime here--signs of new life everywhere! Anyway, just wanted to hop on real quick and give a short update since I haven't posted in a bit--life has just been a bit crazy with Jord not feeling good, me adjusting to my new TN (Trigmenial Neuralgia) issues with light especially, getting settled in with Mom and Dad and enjoying the spring days walking Blue and doing life with our church family. Also gotten to enjoy some video chats with family which is always fun. :) Have I said how very thankful I am for our church before?? I know I sound like a broken record, but Jord and I would not be in as good a place mentally and spiritually without our church family surrounding us, encouraging us, praying for us, and helping practically at the drop of a hat!! I'm very much looking forward to celebrating Easter in a couple weeks!! He is risen--and because of that, there is hope in the midst of all these trials and tribulations!!

The "Adventures" Continue

Today was another day that started out like I had planned and then took an "adventurous" turn lol...we got up and I got Jord out the door and then my nurse came to draw my labs (after having to come on her day off Monday evening because my needle re-positioned from me moving too much to the point it wouldn't flush unless I pushed on the needle so the medication wouldn't go in at all) and then I had to run grab our fresh milk from a local farm. Came back and ate lunch outside and threw the ball for Blue and chatted with Mom and got some vitamin D enjoying the sunshine and then I went to talk to my OB surgeon. He did agree that it sounded like it was a good idea to have the surgery at UAB and gave me a name of a doc that he's pretty sure also does the robotics surgery. I sent a message to my lung doc to let him know the change in plans and to start coordinating all the parts for that to aim for an end of May surgery time frame. I'm hoping to be able to work it out so that I can have the ENT and the OB there do both surgeries at the same time so that I only go under anesthesia once and it's a one and done thing. It will be a lot all at once for my body, but then I'll also only need one round of antibiotics to help me through instead of two separate rounds which is important with the resistance issues..........On my way home from that appointment, Jord called and that's when life took an adventurous turn...last Wednesday he had a rash start and he took benadryl and we used some Arbonne gelee and diaper rash cream, but then when that didn't work, switched to Zyrtec twice a day and got cortisone cream. It started spreading all over his his legs and arms so he went to the doc yesterday and he gave him prednisone. He took it yesterday morning and then this morning, but it really didn't do much and when he called he said it felt like it was moving into his throat--he could breathe fine, but it was definitely feeling off and tighter. We called the doc and he said to go to the ER....so off we went for the third time in a month to the same ER...we joked we might as well go see our buddies and get our "frequent flyer miles". This time we got there before night shift so we didn't think we'd see anyone we knew, but in walked the same nurse that he had 3 weeks ago. She typically works nights, but "just happened" to be working days today. The doctor was great--he really tried to figure it out, but it is stumping everyone. They gave him IV benadryl, famotidine, and prednisone and it might have helped the itching a little, but didn't really change anything. The doc said he will probably need to go to a dermatopathologist--a subspecialty of dermatology to get a biopsy of the areas so they can figure out what's causing it. The only thing he knows he is allergic to is poisin ivy/posion oak and he hasn't been outside to get into it anywhere. It did start exactly 14 days after the gasteroenteritis issues, so the nurse said sometimes with those viral things there can be a latent reaction. Add to that all the stress from everything that's been going on and who knows...I'm SO thankful God does--and that He is sovereign and we can trust Him........On the upside, I was able to push through and use a lot of my "anti-nausea" tricks to go to a Mercy Me concert for Mom's 71st birthday Sunday night. That's actually probably what caused my needle to move because I'm right handed (it's on the right side) and so I move more anyway and then all the clapping and worshipping and moving around did it in. It was an AMAZING night---we went with 3 other ladies from church--one got sick and couldn't make it, but we had the best time. Sam Wesley opened--I had never heard of him but turns out he's Bart Millard's son--the lead singer of Mercy Me. He did an amazing job and then Zach Williams was the other opener and then Mercy Me...it was an absolute blast--I had to close my eyes and eat ginger and drink bubly to get through the night with all the lights and noise but it was so worth it. We were out til almost midnight and then I had an early morning doctors appointment yesterday to get my ears cleaned out and then today happened so I am absolutely exhausted. Thankfully I have nowhere to go tomorrow, so it is going to be an extreme turtle day....I'll walk Blue to get some exercise and enjoy the sunshine tomorrow but it's definitely going to be a catching up kind of day......At the concert, he told the story behind the song, Even If....his son was diagnosed with juvenile diabetes and the song came out of his frustration and weariness of the chronic disease....the chorus says, "I know You're able and I know You can Save through the fire with Your mighty hand, But even if You don't, My hope is You alone." I got a shirt with part of that on it...it speaks so much to the journey of life with a chronic disease and the weariness and exhaustion that is overwhelming at times....But God....He is so much bigger than all of it and as John Piper says, "God doesn't waste a single nanosecond of your suffering." It's not easy, but it comes with great purpose and Christ is our ultimate example--He suffered greatly in our place so that we might have eternal life and be forever free from the consequences of sin One Day...as Joni Eareckson Tada says, "The harder I lean into Jesus, the stronger I find Him to be." He is my hope, my comfort, my joy, my strength, my everything....did I shed tears today? Absolutely....am I tearing up now as I'm writing and processing the days events? Yep. I'm thankful my Savior is with me every step of the way and as things continue to pile on, I cry, Jord makes me laugh, we laugh and joke together, and at the end of the day, we are closer to each other, closer to Jesus, and know that this too will pass...there is a Day coming when sorrow and sighing will flee and that is where my hope remains! Come quickly Lord Jesus!